A woman's thoughts
by florencenightingale
Summary: Hem … I don't know what to do about it. It just went somewhere I hadn't planned it to … my take on Kate's thoughts from before Serena's interrogation through the end of the episode. R&R?


Set After "Eye of the Beholder"

**A/N: hey guys … it's been a very long time since I last posted something: crazy school, even crazier friends so … sorry. But this last Castle episode? I was so expecting something like that and I was so excited that I completely ditched my Latin homework to watch it and write this … and I've got a test tomorrow … long night ahead of me, I'm afraid. It was totally worth it, though. I hope you like it.**

Serena Kaye will die a slow, painful death.

How dared that _blondie _kiss Castle like that? Like he was her own property? And he, the wondrous knight in the shiny armor, the one that almost took a bullet for me and blabbered on how much he loved me while I was stuck on the ground, hit, barely conscious and unable to do a damn thing about it? He _groped _the woman like a horny teenager? And had the guts to tell me that he was just doing what I'd told him to do?

So what Castle, do I have to write my request down for you now? To expressly say_ "If I need you to stall things, don't buy time by kissing the suspect: go for a walk, buy her an ice-cream, hell, trip her over if you must, but keep your hands to yourself?"_? Do I? Cause I can and I will. Or even better: I could just get rid of the temptation by pairing you up with men. I'd like to see you then.

My psychiatrist obviously thinks there's something going on. On my part, at least. I can see it in his eyes when he scrutinizes me like he's trying to scan my soul. He's so sure that I'm finally coming to some sort of enlightenment on behalf of our relationship, or lack thereof. Well, I'm not. And it's all Castle's fault.

He is supposed to be in love with me. ME! Hey Castle do you remember me? I'm Kate, you know, the tough female detective at the 12th? Your muse? Nikki Heat real-life ego? Oh, I could get the attraction for Rhodes, I really could. But she was being me, so that meant that it was me that you wanted, not her.

And what is this thing you have for blondies, by the way? Yeah, because I was forgetting Gina. The lovely _blonde_ Gina. The one that made me spent the most miserable summer in the past ten years. By going to the Hamptons with you, of course.

Really Castle, that was low. All that being smitten and amazed and _"Look Beckett she has valuable assets …" _and _"She was right!" _just made me want to go your throat. It was completely, totally, utterly sickening. And the way you said _"She's with us" _and _"What? I'm not a cop."_. Well, I'll keep it clear and simple for you Castle: she's not with _us_. Not with Ryan, or Esposito, or me.

Maybe she's with you though. Maybe that's what you want. Maybe (I said maybe) it's my fault too. Maybe I've let you down and given for granted that you'd wait for me no matter which silly (I know, I know, she's not but just give me that for my sanity's sake) busty, fashionably-dressed woman crosses your path. Did I take your "always-es" the wrong way? Were they a part of a plot-line that I wasn't aware of?

Are you keeping secrets from me Castle? Maybe that's what scares me the most. Because if I can't trust you (my shadow/sidekick/partner/best friend) who's gonna be my go-to guy?

Who am I kidding? You're a grown-up man, you have the right to do whatever you want. And I'm clearly not in a position to say a word about it, not before I sort this huge mess that my life is out. I was such a bitch to you the whole day … I'm sorry. And I'm even sorrier for my incapability at talking plain to you: what kind of claim can I have on you when I keep faking this month-long amnesia that everyone knows is a bluff? If I could just grab you and kiss you senseless in front of everybody believe me: I would. But there's still too much on stake. And I'm not ready. Yet.

I'm not ready _yet. _Hopefully when I am you'll still be around, Castle, because if you aren't I'm gonna hunt you down wherever you are. God, I feel like I'm wasting so much time … why can't I follow my own advice? "Don't let your past get in the way of your future". Simple as that. I should have it embroidered on cushions, as a reminder of this moment of clarity.

In the meantime? I can only smile at Serena and tell her what a wonderful man you are (subtext: if you want him girl, you've got taste, but you do it at your own risk, you may have been a thief, but I've still got the gun), and fake disappointment when she goes away without you (I'll skip what my inner self was doing: too childish even for your nine-year-oldness).

I ask you out to dinner, and I think I'm smiling and blushing like a schoolgirl and biting my lip as your eyes wonder around and you finally say _"I accept."_, and look at me in a way that makes me guess if you know what's going on in my head right now. And I do really hope that you like Remy's burgers more that shortcake, Castle, because, as of now, that's all I'm gonna offer. Besides, it's not even time for strawberries yet!

**A/N2: So. That was it. Hem … I don't know what to do about it. It just went somewhere I hadn't planned it to … my take on Kate's thoughts from before Serena's interrogation through the end of the episode. R&R?**


End file.
